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Oct 29 / safegirl

3 months on!!

I still ‘love’ my abuser!

I have learnt, through therapy, that he will only ever care about himself. Will never show any remorse, emotion, or regret.

I still play ‘our songs’ (which happen to be the same as his ex’s) He will not take responsibility for anything. He wooed me. I was a married woman, and he sent me message after message about how I was his soul mate, we were born to be together , he could not live without me, and how he loved me. He stalked me. And I fell for it all. And now he says he played no part in my marriage breaking up. I still have emails from him telling me he would be my rock until I take my dying breath and how he was looking at wedding magazines the day my husband and I decided we needed counselling. So – who could resist that? He told me he would ‘marry me tomorrow ‘ and I fell for it all. Hopeless romantic sucker that I am.

After one week of knowing that man,  I felt like I had always known him. He was my soul mate. We were meant to be together. I adored him. I quickly left my marriage as I was convinced this was  the real thing. I left behind family and friends (who luckily have forgiven me and can see I was duped).

He will never admit responsibility for anything, which is why, I can only now see, looking back, he cannot see that it was he, who spilt up many marriages, stalked women, looking to fill that void inside of him which will never be filled, as they, like me, may ‘pull the wrong face’, ‘say the wrong words’ and not be the answer to his prayers he thought they would be.

I cannot get over the fact that I was so insignificant, I was just a pawn in a game with his ex. I paid for every morsel of food he put in his lying mouth for 18 months. I went without any affection or intimacy because he convinced me it because he was ill but he ‘loved me in his own way’. That way was to lie, cheat and abuse. The lies I have found out since I ‘got out’ beggars belief!

I cry for him. I just want to phone him and hear his voice. He never cared for me, or my gorgeous girls. And that is why I have chosen to fight back. That man I love needs help. He never loved me. But I loved him more than he is capable of knowing. I miss his smell, his voice, and his touch. I have to come to terms with the fact that he went straight back to stalking his ex the day after I left him. He was the love of my life.

I have texts on my phone to him, pouring my heart out – ‘I love you! Can you not see me? I adore you. Please calm down and look at what you have’. His reply ‘Cool. Bring lawnmower back tomorrow.’ It would be laughable if it wasn’t my four babies who adore him and he blanks in the street. I was warned over and over and ignored it. He has an excuse for everything. I could move away like his other ‘stalkers’ did (what stalkers move 250 miles away??) but I chose to be an example to my girls and fight back!I know he is convincing. He convinced me. I had been physically assaulted 5 times, and was still paying to take his ex to court! On his lies. So I do not blame his believers one bit. But the truth will soon out.

I cannot let anyone else go through this pain. And that is the reason I am getting justice. He abused me. And I lied for him. And now the truth will out. I want him to get help. That is all. Robbed of my money, my family, my heart and my soul. And I still just want to help him. BE SAFE! 

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